Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Coming clean.

Most days I wake up and I'm fine with everything. With life, with autism. Some days I'm just not.

While most of my blog is positive, I try to keep things real on here. So here goes.

It comes down to this:
I'm jealous.

Jealous of all the parents who get to wake up every day and just get their kids dressed for school without squirting a syringe of antipsychotics into their child's mouth.
Jealous of the parents who don't have to repeat that routine plus a pill for ADHD symptoms at night.
Jealous that other children live such easy lives, and mine was dealt the hand he was.
Jealous that JT has to rely on the kindness of other children to get through his day.
Jealous that he didn't get a normal childhood, instead spending thousands (literally) of hours in therapy.
Jealous that other parents don't have to worry about every small setback as a possible regression, or worry about losing years of progress in a few days.
Jealous that other parents don't have to worry about whether their child will live independently in the future.
Jealous that other parents know nothing about special needs trusts or other financial ways to set up a child with a disability.
Jealous that other parents got to enjoy their babies, while I busted my butt just to help mine reach milestones that other kids met months or years before.
Jealous that my kid works so hard to learn things that other kids pick up naturally.

There are so many more, but you get my drift.

I know jealousy isn't a good thing.

But some days it's just hard.

1 comment:

  1. I imagine it's extremely hard! I can't relate. I don't have a special needs child, but I cannot fathom what your life is like. I would think that it's really hard to get through life sometimes. Life can be a MAJOR struggle for you and your whole family and that really sucks! You do an amazing job of trooping through, surviving, and thriving. I don't think I could do it. I think it's normal to be envious of the normalcy that you don't have. You really do have to struggle - life isn't easy. There are so many bumps and hurdles you encounter. So much stress and pressure. It has to be very hard. I'm also sure the rewards are great and you feel blessed to have the family you have. Your life is a struggle, but it's definitely worth it. Good luck!