First crush.

Besides our one (big) blip, summer camp is going well.

I posted before about a sweet little girl in the kids' class who 'like likes' JT. 

Well, yesterday, JT walked up to her, and said, "I'm gonna marry you." And she put her head on his shoulder. 

So sweet!

My big freaking mouth.

I knew I shouldn't have posted it. I knew it. 

My last blog post was all about how awesome JT was doing, how well everything was going, how 'normal' our lives were. 

It ALWAYS happens. ALWAYS.

As soon as you say 'things are good', the autism Gods chuckle to themselves. They make a plan, and BAM - throw you something that makes you realize that your life is not normal, it never will be, and you should probably take note for the next time you feel like it might be different. 

Today I saw my JT disappear into the autism abyss and become unreachable. I was reminded of his early years when he was in another world I could not touch, and it scared the ever loving you-know-what out of me. 

I can handle most things. 

But when I stare into my son's face and see blank eyes that don't even see me staring back, I break. 

And even when I get him back from where he's gone, I am too clingy, too afraid to lose him again. Not normal. 

I am so scared of losing him again. I remember what it's like having a child who is never with you, and I don't want to revisit those feelings. 

I don't want to lose him. 

Beautiful people.

You'd think by now our luck would have run out in terms of meeting wonderful people.

Worries.

JT's whole life I've spent worried.

He got here by the Audrey of God, by wriggling his little fingers under the cord wrapped not just once, but twice tightly around his neck.

He ate a penny that got lodged in his esophagus at 9 months.

He broke his arm at 18 months by falling out of a lawn chair.

Then autism came.

And the big worries.

Will he ever be okay? Have friends? A girlfriend? A girl that likes him? Go to school with typical kids? Do anything typical? Will he be happy?

In the past 6 months, several of those questions have been answered.

He is now mainstreamed for the vast majority of his day. In summer camp, of course, he's with typical peers all day. One worry that is slowly disintegrating, and one happy, happy mama.

He has real friends. Real friends at school, and now at camp. They like him for him. They are genuinely concerned with how he's doing. They are determined to make him part of their world. Another check off my list, and elation is an understatement.

This week, a little girl told Audrey that "I 'like-like' JT, and I think he's cute." While this slightly mortified Audrey, it made my heart soar a little more.

He is a happy kid. He loves people. He tells me his favorite color now is green. He names his little Lego people (the aerobics instructor, by the way, is now Jane). He kisses his camp teacher's hand every single day and follows her around to help.

My worries are slowly changing.

I still worry about whether or not he'll have a good day, whether he'll get upset. But I know he'll be okay.

Now they're turning into the same worries I had with Audrey.

Will he do well in First Grade? Will he make new friends easily? Will he be able to master the material?

There are only a few big worries left that keep me up at night.


For now, I'll thank God and the universe for all the amazing people here that walk with my baby and hold his hand. Because they have such an important role in our lives, and they step up every time. We have one extraordinary extended support system.

photo found here

Summer vacation is here!

The last day of school was last Friday, so we are out for the summer!

I'm working all summer at a local camp, and the kids are going, too...

So far, things are going well. JT had a rough patch today, but otherwise has been an absolute angel. It helps that I'm there so if he's too upset, he can come hang out with me and my preschoolers (who, by the way, are so.adorable.).

Both kids are in the half day camp for big kids (1-5 grades). Their teacher is awesome (as a teacher and a friend!) - and JT ADORES her. That makes things much easier for me!

For an 'awww!' moment... Today Audrey came home and told me that her best friend had confided "that she like likes JT and she thinks he's cute." (I may be slightly biased, but I'm pretty sure he's the cutest little guy ever ;) She has good taste!).

The other campers watch out for JT and were all concerned and trying to help him today when he was just overwhelmed and done. Apparently it was the sweetest thing ever. They all just wanted him to feel better.

We're meeting our buddies at the pool this Saturday to hang out, we're reading all kinds of books (got to work on that reading with both kids). In fact, in a hugely proud mommy moment, Audrey has started the Harry Potter series. I hope she loves it as much as I did (okay... do).

That's about it for now. Fun, sun, craziness, and getting to sleep in 15 minutes later!

Back at Hopeful Parents!

Yep, it's that time again...

This time, it's about blessings and thank you's. :)

Audrey and TD.

I know, I know.

I'm the parent of a SN child, and if I heard a parent complaining about the problems their kid faces in the gifted program, I'd probably throw up a little in my mouth, too.

But it's true...

Audrey is used to being the smart kid. She's always been the first to answer, the first to get called on if no one else is answering, and the kid all the teachers brag on. She's used to being able to just wing it and get all the right answers without trying.

I didn't really think about that when she tested into the gifted program.

Now that she's in there, she's facing a few issues.

First, she's not used to being challenged. It's difficult for her to have to think to get an answer. She's uncomfortable and it upsets her that she doesn't immediately get it. She equates 'working for it' to 'I'm not smart'. Which is obviously not the case, as every kid in TD (talent development) has to work for it. That's sort of the point. To be challenged.

Second, and what I'm really seeing, is her identity is going to have to change. The whole 'smartest kid' thing isn't her 'deal' anymore. She's with 30 other 'smartest kids in the class' now, all in one class. So she's just average in the realm of gifted program students. She has to find a new place to fit in and be herself. That's not easy.

The TD program is intensive starting next year. She's going to have to work really, really hard. The expectations are high. The academics they work on are tough. They have seen her scores, they know she is capable of the work. Convincing her she is capable is proving to be a little more difficult, though.

We have a lot of work to do this summer - a lot of math and reading (per the TD instructor's report card notes) to keep up her current level and build so she's prepared for next year.

Most important is to get her self esteem up so that she has a 'can do' attitude.

The World's Greatest

Kindergarten is over.

Today, after 5,404 hours of intervention services and special education services, my son graduated from Kindergarten.


The same boy they said would never talk. The same boy they said was likely severely cognitively impaired.

He did the work. He passed the tests. He made real friends.

I actually stayed fairly composed (okay, I cried, but it wasn't all out crying) until they sang this song.

"The World's Greatest"

Yeah,Uhh...
Uhh...
Yeah..
It's the worlds greatest, Yo,
It's the worlds greatest, Come on,
Worlds Greatest, Ever

I am a mountain
I am a tall tree
Oh, I am a swift wind
Sweepin' the country
I am a river
Down in the valley
Oh, I am a vision
And I can see clearly
If anybody asks you who I am
Just stand up tall look 'em in the Face and say

[Chorus]
I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the worlds greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my backs against the ropes
I can feel it mmm
I'm the worlds greatest

I am a giant
I am an eagle
I am a lion
Down in the jungle
I am a marchin' band
I am the people
I am a helpin' hand
And I am a hero
If anybody asks you who I am
Just stand up tall look 'em in the Face and say

[Chorus]
I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
I made it
I'm the worlds greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my backs against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the worlds greatest

In the ring of life I'll reign love
(I will reign)
And the world will notice a king
(Oh Yeah)
When all is darkest, I'll shine a light
(Shine a light)
And use a success you'll find in me
(Me)

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the world's greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the world's greatest

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the world's greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the world's greatest

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the world's greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the world's greatest

[*]
It's the greatest
Can you feel it
It's the greatest
Can you feel it

[Repeat * while:]
I saw the light
At the end of a tunnel
Believe in the pot of gold
At the end of the rainbow
And faith was right there
To pull me through, yeah
Used to be locked doors
Now I can just walk on through
Hey, uh, hey, hey, hey
It's the greatest
I'm that star up in the sky

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the world's greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the world's greatest

Yes, baby, you are the world's greatest. 

You have worked so, so hard to get where you are. I am so proud of you.

I cannot wait to see what you'll surprise us with next year as a big 1st grader. You are destined for great things, little one. 

(if you look really close, you can see him on the right bottom riser, top row, third from the left in the blue striped polo shirt)

Magnets and labels.

JT is doing awesome lately.

So well, in fact, that I've found that I don't have to explain anything... he's interacting with his peers in an odd but sort of appropriate way.

I find myself in a strange place.

Before, JT was so different that I had to explain immediately why. Autism was one of the first words out of my mouth at any given place.

Now, we can get through entire play dates, whole family outings without a single super odd event.

He's making friends.

I'm not announcing anything.

Which makes me feel... weird. I'm not used to this.

Add into it that JT has a new awareness for what his peers think of him. His teacher tells me he will not cry or be upset in front of his typical classmates.

So...

Today I took my Autism Awareness magnet off my car.

I've had that magnet on my car since 2008. When JT was in Pre-K. When he was throwing chairs and throwing huge tantrums. When he was what I would consider moderate (at least) on the spectrum.

When I peeled it off there was a clear outline of 'super clean car' where it had been.

I feel odd.

And guilty. I have always promoted autism awareness. I am going into special education. Of course I promote awareness and acceptance.

But JT's needs and self-esteem are more important.

I feel naked. Which is exactly how I feel on outings now. No fall back - I can't embarrass him for the sake of me. Sharing his diagnosis is not a given anymore.

But he's doing it. He's holding his own, and man is he an inspiration for everyone.

And he is keenly aware of what others think. And would not like that announcement of difference on our car.

I'm so proud of him. If you say it can't be done, look at my baby. He's doing the impossible. And smiling while he does it. He is amazing.

What a difference a year makes.

At the start of last school year, JT was in a self-contained classroom all but 15-30 minutes of his day - he mainstreamed only for circle time. When we moved, the new teacher knew JT could do more, and she set out to get him in the regular classroom as much as possible. 

So tomorrow, JT will drop his bag off in his self-contained classroom and head out to the regular class and resource room... the whole day. He will eat, play and learn with his peers all day long.