Another piece!

Since the Strattera did nothing (or rather, did nothing to help - it did, in fact, have a pretty bad side effect), our doctor decided to try a different medication for JT's ADD (he's not the hyperactive subtype of ADHD, so I'll leave the H out :) ).

This time we are on the mildest stimulant there is.

Since The Hubs and I agreed we wanted to see the effects with our own eyes before sending him to school on it, we gave him a dose on Sunday.

We headed to the Discovery Place, where we played for 3 hours, including a 45 minute IMAX movie (Sea Rex).

JT did amazing. He was calm the entire time. He sat through the whole movie (this is a HUGE deal, he has never quietly sat through a movie - added bonus, he could recall all the movie info later, so he was really paying attention!). There was no squeaking out of anger, no fussiness, nothing. He was very compliant, following our directions and staying with our group the whole time. We saw the opposite of the possible side effect of aggressiveness (stimulants + autism can sometimes lead to that) - he was snuggly and happy.

We did note a huge spike in energy levels that evening - our boy was back to lapping the living room, orbiting our furniture. I know I'll have to do homework with him before dinner to get the most out of his focus.

I was so excited to get JT's school bag and read his notes today. His teacher was watching for changes, and I knew she would see some big ones.

I opened his folder to see this:
"He was awesome today."

The beauty of stimulants is he won't be taking them weekends, the summer or any day he doesn't have school. It's nice that it's out of his system before 12 hours is up.

So, it appears we have found another piece of the puzzle of JT :)

Image found here. 

Legos, Legos, Everywhere

JT has a huge new obsession.

Lego mini figures.

Which is awesome in some ways... it finally gives us some leverage in negotiations ("JT, if you let the doctor look in your throat, you can get one Lego guy." "JT, try a bite. Get a star. Remember, 5 stars is a Lego guy.").

Not awesome in other ways.

Like when he finds the app on my phone and locates a Lego figure from a different series (we're currently in Series 6 of unmarked Lego mini figures, in case you were wondering) and decides he wants it NOW. So he can get it from the stars he's earned, but it takes time to order these things online and the mail to process and then to come...

Here's his soon-to-be friend that he is obsessed over. Meet 'Pop Star' Lego Mini figure.



And instead he's ready to go through the mailman's truck because he's convinced it's in there. And the mailman should bring it within 5 minutes of the order being placed. (It would be nice, though, right? If stuff showed up 5 minutes after you confirmed payment?!)

And now he found Ninjago.


It has come full-circle. It's all he wants to watch on tv. He scripts it constantly. While carrying Lego mini figures double-plastic-boxed (for security of Lego guys, of course). He looks for new mini figures on my phone. Legos are everywhere...

The food struggle, part 6,789

I am so tired of the eating issues that come with autism. SO. TIRED.

JT now only eats chips, crackers, and other 'crunchy' carbohydrates.

Luckily, he drinks Ovaltine, so at least we're getting vitamins in somehow.

JT's food struggles involve cutting out (and when we're lucky, re-introducing) foods that he has eaten (and enjoyed).

This list is not long to begin with. His only meats he'll eat are hot dogs and chicken (on his best days... although recently I came across a toddler pic of him eating ribs, that made me sad). He will not eat anything cold anymore, not even ice cream (he only eats that in cones, even on his best food days). He eats ZERO fruits and vegetables, aside from the french fry that occasionally he'll relent to (again, on a good day).

We had a patch where he only ate popcorn for over a month when he was in preschool.

It's just so hard to try and feed a child who wants nothing. And of course, I worry that he's not eating enough or getting what he needs. His doctor says he's healthy, and he's happy, and that should make me happy and relieve some of my anxiety (and it does a little).

But now we're heading back to supplementing with the infant vitamins again (because he won't take gummies or chewies, I have to sneak it in his chocolate milk), and it makes me sad.

Dear God, the Universe, and whoever else can help.

I'm not sure if you can see it from up there, but that white spot? That's me waving my white flag.

I give.

Uncle.

Whatever the frick it takes for you to back off just a little.

So I'm going through all this crap with my masses (there are actually 4, 2 in each armpit/boob) and my MRI phobia. I'm supposed to take my sedative and go back with a driver (a.k.a. The Hubs) Thursday morning. PRAY THIS WORKS. The ones on the right hurt pretty bad.

Then yesterday Audrey has a total freakout, ends up telling me that a little girl in her class has been pushing her (literally, physically pushing her) and saying awful things to her, and awful things about her to other kids when she's in earshot. Audrey had been doubled over in pain (her stomach) all week, but was afraid to tell us in fear the little girl 'would get meaner'. Of course I contacted her teacher, who assured me she would figure it out. The teacher handled it beautifully, the girl is being very kind to Audrey, sincerely apologized and told her it wasn't her fault. All day though, I spent stressed out hoping that it would turn out okay.

Then JT... Oh my JT. He is having issues with getting in trouble. As in, if he gets reprimanded (in our house, we use our 'scolding' tone, we don't yell, and we never spank) he completely loses control and has a meltdown. We're talking meltdowns that we haven't seen in 3 years. Out of control, lost in autism-space meltdowns. He doesn't see us, hear us or respond. He is screaming, angry, thrashing and gone.

Today the teacher had to raise her voice at JT. See, he's a good kid. It's the first time she's ever had to raise her voice at him. But it happened... and he was standing behind another kid. So he freaked out, upset the kid in front of him... that kid bit JT. Then JT went and started kicking a table, then TRIED TO FLIP THE TABLE OVER. Then he went and smacked (thankfully, not hard) another kid (not the one that bit him). DISASTER.

We are trying to come up with stuff to help him with this, because obviously he's going to get in trouble occasionally, even though he's a good kid. Social stories. Visual schedules and first/then cards (issues only happen after lunch). 'Practicing' when he gets in trouble at home with appropriate responses.

Ohmyfreakinggosh. Seriously, God. Universe. Cosmic Energy.

BACK OFF.

CMS, Blythe and our 'team'.

Three of the most awesome things in my life right now.

CMS is AWESOME.

Our last school district, JT was in a self-contained classroom, with mainstreaming in circle time.

Right before we moved (3.5 months into the school year) they suggested that JT would do well in specials with the general ed class (PE, art, music).

So that's all we had when we came here. About an hour a day of mainstreaming.

So when we got here, they immediately followed his IEP. Mainstreaming for circle and specials. Then called, said he needed more (they called ME, crazy awesome!).

So within a few weeks, JT was also mainstreamed for lunch and recess as well as specials and circle.

Then a week before Christmas break, they called an IEP and said, he needs more. So off to math he went with the general ed class.

Then Tuesday, we met again. Again, they said more. So now he's mainstreamed for social studies/science.

In fact, the ONLY thing he's NOT mainstreamed for is reading/language arts. And the way they were talking, it sounds like that's coming soon, too.

He's doing fantastic. No aide. Some extra attention from some fabulous teachers and class aides, and some added patience from everyone. But you can tell they all truly like JT, and want him to succeed.

I give CMS an A+.

Seriously, this is a dream come true.

Transcript about JT's future.

JT and I had this conversation tonight... sort of blew my mind :)

Me: JT, when you grow up, do you want to live with mommy or move out?
JT: Move out.
Me: Are you going to get married?
JT: Yes.
Me: What's her name?
JT: Ashrita.
Me: Will you have babies?
JT: Yes.
Me: How many?
JT: One.
Me: A boy or a girl?
JT: A boy.
Me: What will you name him?
JT: Nookie.
Me: What about pets? Will you have pets?
JT: Yes.
Me: What kind?
JT: I gonna have a dog.
Me: What will you name your dog?
JT: Two.
Me: Will Two be a big dog or little dog?
JT: A little dog.


Me: That's so cool, JT!

Why Our New Dr Thinks I'm Nuts.

Also known as: Another miracle in our daily lives.

We had to go to the doctor yesterday - the kids and I are all sick.

I had to find a new doctor, and so I found an internal medicine and pediatrics place, so we're all able to see someone in the same building. It makes things way more convenient when you don't have to go all around town when you're sick, and when one of us is sick, all 3 of us usually have it.

I told the nurse JT has autism, and she said, "Just let me know if I cross one of his lines or need to do something different." WOW. She couldn't have said anything better. Seriously, I was impressed from minute one.

JT stood on the scale. He stood still while she got his height (this was not possible the last time we went, he was too freaked out by the sliding metal behind his head). We were able to get his weight on the first try. It's like he remembered that he couldn't wiggle or touch the walls (why it took so long last time). He didn't try either at all this time.

So we go back to a room, and he plays nicely while the nurse is having to enter information for all 3 of us. It's not a short process - there's so much medical history, etc that they have to enter.

The doctor comes in, and JT waits while he listens to Audrey's lungs and looks in her ears. She gets down, he says, "My turn!", jumps up on the exam table. He complies when the doctor asks him to breathe in and out. He lets him look in his ears like he's never had any issue with it.

At this point, unable to refrain, I say, "This is a miracle. You have no idea. 6 months ago none of this would have happened."

The doctor looks at me like I'm freaking crazy, and I explain he has autism and before he would have been out of control and unreachable. I think he thought I'd lost my freaking mind.

He was really nice, though, and I was really happy with the practice. Good to know we have a medical 'home' now, so when we catch more bugs we're set with a good doctor to go to.

To add to the miracle, we went to Walgreens afterwards, where there was a mixup with needing a different type of prednisone. It took my doctor 30 min to get back to the pharmacist, and again, JT was a rock star. No fits. He was very wiggly and spinny, but happy and he was very well-behaved.

I should mention our adventure started at the dr at 1:45pm, and we left Walgreens at 4pm. That's a long outing for the boring stuff we had to do for kiddos.

As for now, hoping the antibiotics and prednisone kick this plague out of the three of us!

Dear 2011.

Dear 2011,

I want you to know you've been my favorite year so far.

My daughter turned 7. My son turned 6. We celebrated 9 years of marriage. I turned 31. The Hubs turned 32. Nothing in there is spectacular, but yet we're here, we're healthy, we're a happy family... in this day and age, that IS spectacular in itself.

That's not to say it was all easy this year. We faced the biggest decision in regards to JT's autism and treatment that we've faced. We'd been avoiding it (they told me at his diagnosis he'd need meds... not 'he'll probably need meds', but 'he'll need meds'). Looking back, that was one of the hardest decisions we've made as a family. Medication is a serious subject. But I now know we undoubtedly made the correct choice for us. It has changed our lives.

We dealt with bullying of both Audrey and JT, and were happy with the response of one school and at least semi-satisfied with the response of the other. Either way, neither of our kids are tormented now, nor are they broken because of it. We've had some valuable discussions about bullying and what that says about the bully - and tried to set up a plan of action if it ever happens again. It happens far too often now, to far too many kids.

We've seen JT go from an entirely self-contained class to now only having two 'blocks' (social studies/science and english/literature) where he's NOT mainstreamed, and he has no aide - he's doing it all himself! He's made a real friend. He's gotten notes from kids at school. He's finding his place. He is one astonishing little boy.

Audrey's testing has shown that she's even smarter than we thought (which is pretty freaking smart). Her math benchmark was 100%. She was above grade level in everything. Her reading? At a 6th grade level. And this is a kid that will fight tooth and nail to NOT do homework or read... Thankfully, Captain Underpants (another 2011 discovery) is a new favorite - but she's almost done with the series. Frantically trying to find a new 'friend' for 2012! Her artwork has gone from 'that's cool' to 'that is AMAZING'. We have to get her in art classes, because for a child her age to draw with perspective and to be able to replicate what she sees so perfectly... she needs to explore that talent.

The Hubs got promoted. He's got an awesome store now, with great people. He's still good at what he does, and enjoys doing it. You really can't ask for more in a job.

I got a job (YAY Starbucks!). They helped me transfer, even though they didn't have to. I get free coffee. They have awesome benefits. And I get free coffee :)

As 2011 comes to a close, I can say we're in a really, really good place. Our kids are doing fantastic. We're doing fantastic. Our family is doing fantastic. Everything really did turn out okay...

So, thank you, 2011.

I can only hope that 2012 brings us more of the same :)

First babysitting adventure

Went WELL!!!!

The Hubs and I both had to work last Sunday, which meant the kids didn't have one of us to watch them. That's never happened!

When we moved to Charlotte, The Hubs told me he had an aunt here that was so sweet and awesome, and I had to meet her. He met up with her while he was here alone, and told me that his cousin (her daughter) was so sweet and babysat, and thought she would be awesome with our kids.

So, our kids stayed with The Hubs's (I guess OUR) aunt Cindy, uncle Jerry and (Z's cousin) Kate (awesome name :) ) - and they had the best time ever.

They came home so excited and happy, and they ate square pizza, went to the lake and (both kids) came home with painted fingernails (BOTH were so excited!)... Seriously, they were SO happy!

It is so freaking awesome to live close to family, and hopefully they'll be willing to babysit again for us.

Considering no one has watched the kids in 6 years, this is crazy cool!

YAY!!!!

Happy 6th Birthday, JT!

This post is late... We've been in the process of moving, and I haven't had an internet connection to post my regular corny happy birthday to my baby.

December 2nd marked JT's 6th birthday.

On JT's birthday, I look back at the last year, and all the progress he's made.

From 5 to 6, JT has had one unbelievable year.
-He potty trained (in one weekend, no less!).
-He started speaking in sentences regularly.
-He started Kindergarten.
-He made his first real best friend.
-His behavioral issues all but stopped.

There is really so much more, but 5 was an amazing year. I can only hope that 6 will be as good as this last year has been!

Happy birthday to my sweet momma's boy.

Thankful.

Today is Thanksgiving.

I could go on and on about all the wonderful things I'm thankful for; topping the list would be my awesome husband and amazing kids.

This is the first holiday in 12 years The Hubs and I have spent apart, and while I was/am a little (okay, more than a little) bummed about it, a few wonderful friends had me over for Thanksgiving dinner. It was delicious, fun, and not lonely :)

And to add to the fun, today Audrey ate some stuffing, and JT ate blueberry pop tarts (he ONLY ate strawberry before, and anyone familiar with autism and eating can tell you how big of a deal it is for them to try something new - even if it seems small!). I'd call it a win!

I hope everyone else had a wonderful day, too!

When it hits me...

Most of the time, I don't notice JT's progress.

I think it's a combination of trying to bury the old memories (I swear I have PTSD from the early days of aggression and non-stop screaming when he was 2-3) and just seeing it unfold slowly - so I'm not seeing the overall monumental steps he's taken.

Then every once in a while, something happens where I think, "Oh my God. This is INCREDIBLE!"

Yesterday was one of those days.

This time last year, we had a snowstorm here in Central NC. I had to take JT to the grocery store to buy groceries for the few days we'd likely be stuck inside. It was a disaster. He tried to knock things off the shelves, threw himself on the floor, even tried to toss a case of bottled water on the floor. To clarify, I never took JT to the grocery store back then because this was not uncommon. I just had no choice that day.

Fast forward to yesterday. I was in the bottled water aisle with a calm, happy JT. He was talking my ear off, giggling with his sister and picking out items for his lunch this week.

Suddenly it clicked, and I had to stop. What the hell happened?! I can't even explain in words how amazing and astounding JT's progress has been. Or how lucky we've been (because trust me, I know not everyone is as lucky as we are). But how, in one year, did we go from single words, not going in public, constant tantrums, anger, rage, diapers... to THIS? This happy go lucky, funny, ornery, smart little guy?

The enormity of his progress just paralyzed me for a moment.

And I said my thank you's to God, the universe, and whoever else played a part. I kissed his head, laughed at his silliness, and moved onto the next thing he wanted for his lunch next week. And I prayed that in a year, I can have that moment again.

Consolidating...

I just imported Audrey's and JT's blogs to this one - trying to manage 3 blogs is just a little too much.

Just in case anyone still goes to those addresses, it will redirect to this blog, so it's all good :)

That means it'll be more convenient and less confusing when I post (no double posting, etc).

All done, promise I won't clog up your Blog Reader again!

Shots

:(

Today, JT had to get immunizations.

It was sad.

We've been behind for a while... even though JT never had a reaction to shots, I know there are a lot of moms of kids with autism who swear their kids had a reaction and lost skills or developed major issues. Yes, I've read the scientific articles that they don't. But I still question it in the back of my mind, and we've come so far... it would CRUSH me if we lost any of it.

But I know that if JT were to acquire any of the illnesses that vaccines prevent and I hadn't done it (which is more likely than a reaction to said vaccines) I would never forgive myself.

So today we braved the shots.

It was sad holding him still to get not one, not two, but FOUR separate injections :(

He was SO brave, though. He didn't fight me, he just cried a little and was a little distraught after we were done. No big tears, no fits, no meltdowns.

He finished, and was wiping the tears off his face, and turned around and said, "Now I not gon get sick, momma." Yay for understanding! He was listening when I told him we get shots so we don't get sick, and knew what was happening.

Then they brought him the treat basket, and he picked out two suckers, and promptly turned and gave one to Audrey.

I should probably mention that she cried for him more than he cried for himself.

Definitely feel blessed that I have two kids who love each other so much... so sweet.

Moving

Yet again, the Duzan fam is moving!

A few weeks ago, I got a note from Audrey's teacher about how she was getting 100 percent (or higher) on all her benchmarks, yet for the first time EVER, her scores on schoolwork were dropping - all from simple errors. She has also been super emotional at home, especially on weekends The Hubs comes. Then, JT's been having issues with panic attacks at school (hyperventilating and having to do breathing exercises), he's getting a little more trigger-happy with the moodiness.

I decided we needed to try to get back together as a family as soon as possible, since being apart was obviously having a pretty negative effect on the kids.

And... My boss agreed to a transfer, so we're all clear! I have to get in touch with store managers in the area so that I can get my transfer.

The Hubs found us a house in Huntersville that's REALLY cute.

I got in touch with the new school district, and with JT's recent changes in his IEP (did I mention he's now in circle/literacy time, library, art, music and PE with the general education classes, with his ONLY accommodation being sitting in close proximity to the teacher/materials? Yeah, that's my boy!), the coordinator we'll be going through said he would be recommending placement in their resource-type program AT HIS BASE SCHOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That means my kids will be going to the same school, and JT will be mostly mainstreamed :) I don't need to even explain how happy that makes me (and let me tell you how excited Miss Audrey is that she can walk her brother to class!).

So, all that to say, we're going to be residents of Huntersville as of December 1.

A big, scary change, but we're hoping for the best :)

Busy!

I haven't updated in a while...

Because I got A JOB!

I'm a barista at Starbucks. BEST JOB EVER! I am so excited to go to work, that my days off make me a little sad. The people are great, my boss is great, the work is (complicated but) fun. It's awesome!

The kiddos are in YMCA-run afterschool. They have one at each of their elementary's, so Audrey is at her school and JT at his.

They both LOVE it. The first day Audrey got mad at me for coming too early (I didn't get to pick a second activity, mom!) and day 2 JT kept trying to take me BACK to the cafeteria to play more. They both say it's fun. I walk in to get JT most days, and while he's not playing with the other kids, he's around them and watching closely. He has a ton of fun, and he's SO happy (before and after he sees me!).

Both kids LOVE their teachers, they are both doing fabulous, and academically are (still) ahead of grade-level, which makes this momma really proud. They are some smart little ones (and use it to their advantage!).

The Hubs is still enjoying his job, his store is still doing well...

JT has yet to have a behavioral problem at school. He has had no meltdowns AT ALL since starting the risperdal back in June. He now reminds us (GIMME MY MEDSINS) if we forget his dose at night. The stuff tastes nasty, so you know it must help him feel better.

We're doing fabulous, pretty much! Loving life!!!

Brats and Compassion.

Today, an article was published on CNN. While I really don't want to post the link, because I hate giving it more attention, it is here.

And to be honest, it's not the first time recently I've heard people blaming a kid behaving poorly on parents.

Now, to be fair... is it sometimes poor parenting (or as the article above calls it, 'permissive parenting')?

Yes.

But let me present a different side.

Because we have been THAT family.

The time we were in Target, and the checkout transition that JT dreads started a screaming spree and I overheard a woman saying "I can't *believe* she lets her son act like THAT!" Or the time at Walmart the checker gave me the advice to 'spank him until he felt it' and 'put him in timeout all day until he gets it'. Countless other times I have seen 'the stare' that LZ Granderson talks about giving these parents in the article. Yes, I've been on that side.

And you know what? It SUCKS.

Not to be full of myself, but my husband and I are very good parents. Normal parents don't invest half the time we have in parenting, interventions and other classes. We have had countless professionals in our home, early intervention observations (AKA the government agencies) watching our every move. And you know what? Not ONE SINGLE PERSON has EVER questioned our parenting. In fact, we've gotten countless compliments on parenting our kids.

So an article saying that a child with behavioral issues is just a bad, poorly parented kid really, REALLY rubs me the wrong way.

My son is incredibly sweet. He is very polite and has great manners. He learned 'please' and 'thank you' before he learned the regular vocabulary and labeling of general objects that most kids learn.

For comparison on my parenting, I have a (one week away from) 7 year old who in an entire school year had ZERO minor behavioral issues. She is the only kid in her class who never moved her 'fish' for talking out of turn, being disrespectful or worse. I'm *obviously* doing something right.

But according to LZ and people like him (oh, and there are LOTS), my kids' behavior should be controlled by 'the look'.

Give me a freaking break. My kid is overwhelmed by (likely YOUR) perfume/cologne, by (likely YOUR) loud voice/noises, by bright lights, by unpredictable things... don't you DARE call him a bad kid.

Perhaps the most ridiculous part of LZ's article is the premise that airplanes and grocery stores are some sort of adult-only, priviledged thing. I can't avoid grocery shopping with my son sometimes, my husband works a minimum of 60 hours a week. We may have to fly someday - we've never visited our immediate family, it's a 20 hour drive. Now, as far as restaurants and such, my family absolutely tries to be respectful. When we go out to eat (rarely), we choose family restaurants, and plan on one of us walking outside with my son when he gets irritated. I want everyone to enjoy their meal, and will happily box up my food to not disturb other diners.

I've seen the argument 'he's not talking about special needs kids'. Well, hell yes he is. Autism has no distinguishable features. He can't tell if that kid is autistic or not by looking at him. (I've also seen the 'autism is a diagnosis handed out to anyone these days', which is not only incredibly offensive, but insanely ignorant... that is my next post, though... I refuse to address it here because it has no merit).

As angry as I am, all I can say to people like LZ is, autism rates are rising. It's at 1 in 91 the last time I checked, and rising quickly. It's coming to a family near you. You may feel high and mighty now, but it's coming. You WILL know someone close to you that is what you're calling a brat, and you will hang your head in shame when you realize that you're wrong. You might want to show some compassion now, because your 'my kid will never do that' line will bite you in the rear...

And if you're not sure if a kid is a brat or is autistic - and there's no way for you to be sure - go for kindness. Because that kid may not be a brat. They may have been dealt a really crappy hand in life and are doing the best they can. And those parents may be wonderful parents doing their best to navigate a disability. Living a day in their life is harder than you think.

So thankful...

My little man is doing awesome things. Just astounding things. Some of this is because of the meds helping him to calm down, and he's finally enjoying the world around him. Some of it is because he loves being out of school (weird, I know, he digs not having a structured school day) and he's learning so much from Audrey.

I've already posted about his huge gains lately on his blog, so I won't re-do the entire list here. What I will say is that this progress is making us, as a family, so happy.

We can do things now. We were trapped here by autism last summer. JT couldn't handle going anywhere. He would run off in stores, scream, hit - you get the picture. This summer he *asks* to go places. He wants to see people. He is SO good - staying with me, doing what I ask - it is unbelievable that we really don't stick out at the grocery store. In fact, the only way we DO stick out is he listens to me and does exactly what I say - and the typical kids are usually the wild ones! Kinda funny :)

We can play games - JT is a really big fan of Candyland now. He gets it, he loves playing it, and other than the annoyance of waiting his turn, he is enamored with playing games with all of us.

Our house isn't a complete wreck. Sounds funny, but this year he wants to play with US. He's not digging out every toy and tossing them around. He plays with a toy, then comes and gets us to play with him.

The best part is his mood. No meltdowns. None since starting the risperdal. He's so happy. The happy that comes with the adorable humming that signals bliss. He giggles all the time.

He tells us stuff. Feelings. Needs. Best part is just random stuff. I'm discovering he has an astounding memory - I'll ask (myself, out loud) where something is... he'll respond (he listens to EVERYTHING) with exactly where it is.

I cannot describe how many ways this has helped us all. Knowing he's happy. Knowing everything about him. Being able to relax - both at home and out. Being able to go out period without worrying about any behavioral issues or something else.

He is freaking hilarious. He has always been so funny and had the best sense of humor - but the more he talks the more hysterical it gets. We are almost always laughing at his practical jokes or funny something... He is so proud to make us laugh, too.

He's sweet. Snuggly, up close sweet. NEVER seen this at this level before. It makes my heart jump up in my throat when he climbs on me to snuggle or grabs his sister's hand just to hold it when we're out. Precious.

We still have stuff to work on. But it is SO much easier to be able to pick what you work on than to have a billion things on the 'crisis' list.

For JT...

I realize this song probably was written for something other than autism (or other disability), but WOW. When I saw this, I immediately thought of JT.

Everything I'd want to say to my baby in a song.



It's like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you're lost
But you're not lost on your own,
You're not alone

I will stand by you,
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
and you can't cope
I will dry your eyes,
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
and I won't let go

It hurts my heart to see you cry
I know its dark this part of life
Oh it find us all and we're to small
to stop the rain
Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you,
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
and you can't cope
I will dry your eyes,
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
and I won't let you fall

Don't be afraid to fall
I'm right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
You're gonna make it
I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you,
I will help you through
When you've done all you can do
and you can't cope
I will dry your eyes,
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
and I won't let go

Oh I'm gonna hold you
and I won't let go
Won't let you go
No I won't

from CowboyLyrics

Rascal Flatts, "I Won't Let Go"

Meds.

About three weeks ago, JT started spiraling.

By spiraling, I mean aggressive, angry, sad, and just plain mean. Screaming at us, even reverting to biting and hitting when he didn't get his way (which was completely unpredictable, by the way).

Our insurance was kicking back in June 1, and I knew we were reaching crisis point. I called who I always call: a psychiatrist. For him this time :)

I found an amazing place. I was a little nervous when looking at their webpage... it made it sound like the old 'refrigerator mother' way of thinking. But, with other psychiatrists only taking pre-pay - oooh, and offering to print you the paperwork to get reimbursed for the $300-odd up front you have to pay (hello, I'm already paying 'up front' for insurance at $267 a week - yes, a week - I can't afford to pay you, too), I had little choice but to go with them. Plus, the guy was SUPER helpful, spending tons of time with my insurance company to ensure they would cover it, that I felt good about the decision.

About a week before the appointment, it reached the breaking point. He was screaming at himself mid-meltdown to "JUST CALM DOWN!!! CALM. DOWN. NOW!!!" Then a few days later, he got in trouble and was sent to his room. He screamed at me, then two minutes later, like a light switch, started sobbing uncontrollably in the fetal position on his floor. "Please help me mommy. Help me PLEASE. Mommy, help." over and over. I knew then that this was the right choice.

Thursday was our appointment. We met Jamie Rogers, our PMHFNP-BC, Ph.D. She is AMAZING. I was so nervous. JT was not behaving (obviously, he hadn't been for two weeks). But she was fantastic. Sweet, knowledgeable (20 years experience with ASD kids!), interested in my baby and just all-around great at what she does. She gave us phone numbers, email addresses and everything in case we need help before our next appointment. Just fantastic.

We (The Hubs and I and Jamie) felt JT would benefit from risperdal or abilify. Both are used to treat the aggression and irritability associated with ASD. We chose risperdal based on JT's age, the generic availability and it has fewer side effects.

Jamie told us we would see a difference in 30 minutes, but it may take 2 days to build up.

Boy was that right.

I can't even fully describe the difference in JT. Most importantly, HE IS HAPPY. He has had some small angry moments, but they're so within the 'normal' range it's crazy. Absolutely zero meltdowns. No aggression. No scratching. No screaming at us.

His teacher described it as "JT without the anxiety". I 100% agree.

His sister is thrilled. They have been playing together - real games - not just chase and running around - all day long. He's being nice to her, really loving on her and interested in her. He's even following all her 'rules' in made-up games, and I could just see her beaming.

I was terrified that I was screwing with my kid. I felt like somehow giving him meds was a failure on my part. Like I should have been able to do it myself. But he's not messed up. He's just happy. Still hoppy, flappy, ornery and loud. But happy. And it's obvious it wasn't what we were doing, it's just he needed something to help him along.

We haven't seen that in a while. It's so great to see his beautiful smile again.