My big freaking mouth.

I knew I shouldn't have posted it. I knew it. 

My last blog post was all about how awesome JT was doing, how well everything was going, how 'normal' our lives were. 

It ALWAYS happens. ALWAYS.

As soon as you say 'things are good', the autism Gods chuckle to themselves. They make a plan, and BAM - throw you something that makes you realize that your life is not normal, it never will be, and you should probably take note for the next time you feel like it might be different. 

Today I saw my JT disappear into the autism abyss and become unreachable. I was reminded of his early years when he was in another world I could not touch, and it scared the ever loving you-know-what out of me. 

I can handle most things. 

But when I stare into my son's face and see blank eyes that don't even see me staring back, I break. 

And even when I get him back from where he's gone, I am too clingy, too afraid to lose him again. Not normal. 

I am so scared of losing him again. I remember what it's like having a child who is never with you, and I don't want to revisit those feelings. 

I don't want to lose him.